The “I have to” Curse

“I have to do this, do that”, obligations can drive us into the ground. When we say or think that, we don’t believe we have a choice, we simply must! We busy ourselves with all the I have tos, as they suck the joy out of life and leave us exhausted. “I have to” is an underlying cause of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and it was the cause of my own collapse into it.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is said to happen to a lot of A Type personalities. Athletes and other high achievers are most likely to experience this. When I collapsed, I had to do acting work, I had to do bread and butter work between contracts, I had to run a Global Humanitarian project, leading a group of volunteers, online to the U.N, or downloading ideas all night long. I was doing the equivalent of two full time jobs and I didn’t sleep for a year.

First, I lost my memory. It was most frightening. I would leave my home, not knowing which way to go, or visit places I knew for years and not know my way around. Everything seemed foreign. Thankfully this did not last long. Then my system shut down and I was very sick. I had to be carried to doctors, while they were at a loss. As soon as I felt better, three months later, I went right back to it and collapsed again. It was then I was finally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a journey which has lasted for years and taught me so much.